My Imaginary Dialogue with Alicia Keys Rap on You Don’t Know My Name

In a random conversation I had with the work homie yesterday, we discussed the super awfulness of Alicia Keys new single, Girl On Fire. We talked about how corny she’s always been, but still she maintained to make some decent songs. (well maybe we didn’t say all of that but that’s how I feel about it) The conversation got me thinking though; I mean when Song In A Minor came out, I wasn’t really feeling the songs or her look. But You Don’t Know My Name changed all of that, and I have been low key loving on her albums and totally crushing on her grown woman steez.

But back when they were running this song / video in the ground, I used to have responses rolling around in my head when I heard A Keys making that stalkerish phone call that went something like this:

Alicia Keys: Hello? Can I speak to – to Michael?

Me: Who is Michael? This is me.

AK: Oh hey, how you doing?

Me: Uhhh…me? I’m good. Who dis?

AK: Uh, I feel kinda silly doing this, but um, this is the waitress from the coffee house on 39th and Lennox. You know, the one with the braids?

Me: *raises eyebrow* Yeaaaahh, the light skinned chick that makes my hot chocolate all good and stuff. What’s up?

AK: You come in every Wednesday on your lunch break I think. And you always order the special, with the hot chocolate. And my manager be tripping and stuff, talking bout we gotta use water, but I always use some milk and cream for you, ’cause I think you’re kinda sweet.

Me: I knew you were hooking up my hot chocolate! But yeah, I like to go on my lunch break and order the special wherever I go.

AK: Anyway, you always got on some fly blue suit, and your cufflinks are shining all bright. So what do you do?

Me: I drive around the town in a minivan.

AK: Oh, word?

Me: Yeah, I mean, uhh word.

AK: Yeah, that’s interesting.

Me: It is. You know I really like the Dodge Grand Caravan, because of the Stow N Go feature, that lets you stuff the seats in the floor, but since I’ve had the triplets, I’ve been petitioning Dodge to start making an eight passenger minivan, bu

AK: Look man, I mean I don’t wanna waste your time but, I know girls don’t usually do this

Me: Well…

AK: But I was wondering if maybe we could get together, outside the restaurant one day. ’cause I do look a lot different outside my work clothes.

Me: You know I’m married right?

AK: I mean we could just go across the street, to the park right here…

Me: I heard you were into married dudes, but I didn’t believe…

AK: Wait, hold up, my cell phone’s breaking up, hold up. Can you hear me now?

Me: Yeah.

AK: So, what did you say?

Me: I said, I heard you was into married dudes, but…

AK: Oh yeah, Thursday’s perfect man

Me: But I come in on Wednesday’s.


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